When no one asks about Connor - Our first family event without him.

This past weekend was the first extended family event we went to without our Connor with us and alive. On the way to Huntsville, the town where my grandfather lives, I was on a familiar road, the road we took Connor to treatment on. I remember looking back in the rear-view mirror and seeing him looking out the window in the back seat. You can tell he was nervous, but I saw calmness in his eyes, almost a look of relief. He was really looking like he had a glimpse of hope in his life, and I had not seen that in a long time. He was so brave, and he seemed cool as a cucumber, totally chill. I would have been so scared to be dropped off at an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people to face feelings that I had been running from. How freaking scary. But not our Connor he was brave, and he was calm. I can imagine deep down; he had been screaming for help and he was finally getting it. All these memories came back to me and overwhelmed my heart. I also, started remembering the day we saw him after he was sober for 45 days. He had so much hope and so much promise and I felt that we had our Connor back. His spirit was soft, sweet and he almost had an innocence to him. It was so touching to my heart. Remembering back to that day in September and November was so hard…Then IT hit me. WHY!?

Why would God allow this, when Connor was trying so hard to live sober, he had dreams, and he wanted this sober life SO bad. He didn’t get the chance, I am sorry, but HE WAS fucking ROBBED. So many addicts have to re lapse to finally get sober, and Connor couldn’t get one damn chance, what the actual F God! (Yes, this is my internal talk right now, this is where I am at and I am okay with judgement, walk a mile in my shoes then we can talk) Driving down those roads, put me in a funk. I immediately felt that hole in my heart and my stomach ached. Jacob picked up on it right away and asked what I was thinking, and of course I shared. We then rode pretty much in silence crying until we arrived in Huntsville.

We woke up after a good night sleep and I was ready to help and celebrate my Grandaddy’s 90th birthday and see some of my cousins. A couple of my cousins that would be there, I still felt bad for missing their weddings. They were during Connor’s recovery and right after he passed away. I hated I missed them, and still felt guilty and I was looking forward to seeing them and talking with them about that, however, this is not what happened.

After we were done setting up, family and friends started arriving and I found myself pretty much the furthest seat away from everyone. I was feeling like I wanted to run away from this place. Earlier as we were getting ready, we were setting up a balloon arch and I watched my sweet cousin, who was born the same year as Connor and her fiancé set this balloon arch up. As I watched them interact and flirt, I couldn’t help but wonder, why didn’t MY Connor have this, why was he not here setting up for his great grandaddy’s birthday with HIS love!? If addiction never took over his life, what would he be like here; in love?, engaged maybe?…what would she look like?, how would they interact?, what would Connor be doing for a career? Would we be planning a wedding for him by now? Would he be a father or a father to be yet? What would his life had been like if he never had a substance abuse disorder? I am so happy for my cousins getting married and starting families, it just makes me think of my boy and what his life may have looked like without the addiction that took his life. I HATE addiction, F%@K addiction! It steals and robs so many, it stole and robbed my boy.

After that day before going down memory lane and remembering how much HOPE Connor had and then seeing these beautiful lives moving on, as they should, and Connor stuck as a 23-year-old in my mind, not moving on but ripped out of our lives, just did me in. I closed up and I wanted to just go home, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to meet any one or explain who I was and how I was related. I wanted to escape, and I did that, just not in a physical sense.

Fortunately, our family is close, and I am pretty sure everyone, including distant cousins knew I lost my son, and they were all so gracious. Not asking weird questions, not giving me long awkward hugs or stares. I am sure they knew that I needed space and didn’t take my quietness to heart. I took pictures, passed out cake and even did a line dance at the end. However, the entire time, my chest was heavy, and my heart hurt so damn bad.

Towards the end of that party, I realized no one mentioned Connor and that made me so very sad. See when your kid is alive and not in attendance somewhere, they are asked about, how they are? What are they up to? Who are they dating? Why couldn’t they make it? Ect. But when they are no longer on earth they are not wondered or asked about. When his name is not brought up during an entire family function it makes the reality more real, that he is no longer on this earth, and he will no longer be asked about. God that SUCKS!!!! I am sure my family may have thought bringing up his name would bring us sadness. I am sure they were trying to be respectful, and I get all of that, but damn it HURTS so bad not to have one of your children be a part of such a big event or even asked about.

Love,

Mommaof4forever!

(The picture is what I could picture Connor looking like as a dad. This sweet girl is my niece and one of Connor's many cousins, Jolie. He carried her so his Aunt Jackie and I could do some black friday shopping)