Connor's first heavenly Birthday - This hit hard!

How do you celebrate someone’s birth date when they are gone. For a few months I wondered this, what should we do, where should we go, who should we invite. How do I say “happy birthday” to my child that is no longer hear on earth. I have thought about this day, but honestly have not given too much weight to it. August has always been such a busy month for the Endsley’s. We start off with Anna’s birthday on July 28th, our anniversary on August 14, Kyle’s birthday on August 15, Alton’s birthday on August 18 and add in back to school and heading to college in these 4 weeks. I guess I was too busy to really think about how Connor’s first birth date with him not hear would actually feel like or look like. Maybe that was a good thing, I am not sure. The day before his birth date, was a bad day. See my previous blog post.

August 25th wasn’t much better. Alton and I headed to Voodoo coffee to get our caramel frapes and paid it forward to a sweet girl behind us. She actually found Connor’s nonprofit on FB and posted her coffee; it really made my day to know she looked him up and prayed for us. As I drove his little brother to 8th grade with a highly sugary and caffeinated drink, I smiled as I pictured Connor saying, “Wowwwww…really momma, you wouldn’t let me drink caffeine until I was in high school” Connor always used to tease us in how we let Alton do so much more then him growing up. I think it was an oldest and youngest sibling thing. Those with more than 3 kidos can probably relate…we just realize somethings just don’t matter or we get older and lazy, lol

Jacob, Kyle and I decided to head to the river and take his puppy Lilo and Kyle’s puppy Mae to let them play. We stayed out there for over and hour and I know that would have made Connor happy. He LOVED his puppies and loved taking Lilo to the river. She is such a fast and strong swimmer. I remember he would take her to the rapids and throw the stick-up stream and she would swim upstream to fetch the stick. He used to make so many by standers so nervous. I think he liked making them nervous by showing off his dog. After they were done playing, we took them to the doggy wash and gave the pups a wash, conditioner and blow dry, again he would have liked doing this and felt like he was spoiling her with a fancy dog bath. We headed home, but first in Connor fashion stopped at Los Gios for some breakfast tacos. Those were his ABSOLUTE favorite!!! Connor loved himself some breakfast tacos. Breakfast tacos and some sweet tea…he was a happy boy with those two.

We spend the rest of the day home, sad, crying and trying to hold each other when we needed. We knew that evening we were heading to the river again to light lanterns with friends in Connor’s honor. I think we were both really not looking forward to it. We didn’t know what to say, what to do, should we do a cake? Should we decorate and bring pictures, should we bring his ashes down there. I was filled with anxiety and sadness all day. The time came and we headed to HEB to get some drinks, and I had a panic attack in the middle of HEB. This sucks so bad, this shouldn’t even be a thing…”celebrating your child’s birthday who is not alive” what a load of crap! My first friend that showed up was another mother who lost her son 3 weeks before Connor to the same thing and I though, God how sad is this! As my friends started showing up, I realized I was going to be okay. They came over hugged me and just stood with me. They didn’t expect anything, ask any questions or seem like I needed to have my self together. As my other friend showed up who lost her daughter in 2021, she asked me “so how was today?” and I knew I could tell her the truth, I said “shitty” and she said, “yeah I bet”. I had friends there that loved me and some that understood, unfortunately. Connor’s best friend showed up and his high school love came as well. That made me feel so good, I do love seeing them! We had our brothers and cousins release a lantern as well from the west coast to the east coast! The actual release was pretty comical. What I envisioned and what happened was so different. I envisioned this beautiful send off right at 7:37pm, but what happened was; me chasing a lantern that was blowing away down to the river, it hovering the river then downed, his friend’s lanterns catching of fire, getting stuck in the trees and a few floating off in the sky. But it was perfect, Connor would have really enjoyed this and thought it was the funniest thing ever. I can imagine he was looking down smiling so big and laughing at us. He probably was thinking, balloons would have been easier guys….as the night ended and it got dark, we decided to light some more and send them off. It worked perfect. The wind had died down and the atmosphere was perfect. I tried again and I got mine to send off into the sky for my boy.

In the end it was what it was supposed to be. People that loved him and his family were there to show their love. I am so glad we decided not to get a cake. I can’t imagine singing “happy birthday” to someone who is not there, I can’t imagine saying happy to anything on that day. To me it wasn’t a happy day, it was a gut-wrenching reminder that my son was robbed a full life here on earth. For some reason his birth date has been really hard, I feel like it is December 6th, 2021 all over again and the loss is so fresh. I can barely function, my mind is racing and can’t focus, I have been crying more hours than not, I wake up with the elephant on my chest and go to sleep with tears in my eyes. I am accepting that this is all “normal” and that I am not the same person I was December 5th, 2021. I know there will be natural things that happen, natural consequences of losing a child. NO ONE prepares for a loss of their child, I mean no one. Most of us have things in place in case we lose a spouse, wills are written, it is talked about. We prepare our self with losing a parent, but a child..that never crossed my mind that it would happen or how to prepare for it.

Connor’s birthdate, August 25, 1998, forever changed my heart and my life. I was SO blessed to have him and love him for 23 years. One of the hardest things to for me to accept is that, if I had to do it all over again, knowing I would only have 23 years, 3 months, 10 days, 12 hours and 2 minutes with him, I would do it all over again. There are many things I wish I would have done differently or things I wish I would have had knowledge in to help him. But the one thing I would have NOT done differently is LOVE him with my everything. He knew my love and fight I had for him, I reminded him of that daily. I take rest in and find comfort in knowing he knew he was loved.

Love,

Mommaof4forever

(This is from Connor's 21st Birthday Lunch)