Today I woke up mad, it took me long enough.

Day before Connor’s birth date,

This morning I woke up mad. Connor should be here celebrating his life, his full life ahead. I pulled a picture from a video that he took 3 days before he used and died. He had so much damn hope and promise. He looked SOOOO incredibly happy. He was happy, he was creating a life he longed for. He had true friends and brothers he met that didn’t judge him or his story. He was supported, loved, and cherished. He was also human who had an addiction and he had one moment where he wanted to use. That ended his life, not because he went crazy, or went balls to the walls partying. He took one pill to get high ONE PILL. How can ONE pill kill someone? It was laced and poised, he was murdered, and no one will be held accountable. The police department will not investigate, not because they don’t want to, but because there is not a division to do so. HOW is that even a thing??? How is there not a narcotics division in the capital of Texas and only 4 hours from the boarder where it is coming from. What the actual fuck! This is NOT okay, and I feel so small to do anything about it. What can I do as his mom but be so damn angry at it all.

Connor should be here stealing his dad’s underwear and socks, calling me when he needs a loan, asking for advice and help in 20-year-old life choices. Connor should be here introducing us to his new girlfriend telling me to give her a chance and to be nice. Connor should be here to see his sister go off to college and get into her sorority laughing at how loud she was screaming with excitement. Connor should be here watching his little brother’s football games, Connor should be here going to the dog park with Kyle, Mae and Lilo. Connor should be here constantly telling me how proud he is I got my health back, running 5k’s with me like he wanted to do.

I am mad at his house for not seeing him struggling, I am mad at his house for not following up with him in why he didn’t have a sponsor yet. Could having a sponsor early on, given Connor someone to call? I don’t know but I am mad that his brothers could have failed him. Why was he left alone that night, why was their camera’s broken, why was he left alone to die. It makes me so damn mad. Why didn’t he get 2, 3 or 5 chances like SO many people struggling with addiction. WHY!!!!

I am so damn mad. Why would God allow me to get pregnant at 17 with Connor, just to take him from me. How cruel is that!? Why couldn’t I protect Connor from this sick and evil world. Why are we as a country not doing more to STOP fentanyl from coming into our country? IT IS KILLING OUR YOUTH. 300 LIVES A DAY!!! HELLO!!!! All this just leaves me SO mad today.

How can a boy full of hope and promise die 3 days later? What purpose was it for?

I am mad he won’t be celebrating 24 years of life, he only had 23 years 3 months 10 days and 12 hours and 2 minutes. He had so much more life to live. I am mad he didn’t get to experience of being an amazing husband, father or even an uncle.

Today I am just mad.

Love,

Mommaof4forever