Kids are NOT resilient

I am coming off a week of Tisha. I spent a lot of alone time doing thigs that make me feel happy. I had to come into work, and I was not excited. I love what I do don’t’ get me wrong, but alone time, quiet time, river time and naps just brought me ZERO anxious thoughts. My mind was controlled, and I felt my nervous system rest. I never realized how activated my nervous system was and is. When my nervous system is calm, it seems my entire household is calm. God, I wished I had this knowledge 20 years ago.

Do I blame myself for Connor’s death, no. But do I blame myself for his addiction? 100%. I was a sick, broken and a dysregulated mom. My nervous system was SO dysregulated, and I had no knowledge of what that even meant. We lived in chaos. I won't tell Jacob's story, that is for him to do, but I will share (with his blessing) that we both grew up in a dysfunctional home with emotionally unavailable parents and I always thought, “Well we grew up in dysfunction, and we are fine.” So, a little disfunction in a home is normal, kids are resilient. HA! What a load of crap!! I now HATE that statement; KIDS ARE NOT resilient. They are sponges and soaking up everything good and bad. We as parents are forming them and we SHOULD be teaching them first, by example of a regulated nervous system and second teaching them emotions are okay and how to use those emotions. I made so many mistakes with the kids when they were younger and especially with Connor. He was our wild child. He loved to explore, and I would say “push the limits” but, now I have come to realize it was curiosity that turned into rebellion. He was born adventurous, curious and independent. I did not teach him how to embrace the curious and independent side of him in a positive way and that was 100% my fault. When you are not healed as a parent, how can you make sure your kids are emotionally healthy? You can't.

Was this intentional? Absolutely NOT, I LOVED that boy the way I knew how and did it with my entire being!!! He was my world, my first love, my joy, my reflection and my gift! However, I was not well, I was not healed, I was not regulated, and I was not educated. I wish I was healed; I wish I was well; I wish I had a regulated nervous system and I SO wish I had taught Connor all of that. I really think it would have changed the course of his life. I know I should not live in the “I wishes and the What if’s”, so I will leave that space and focus on what I can control. I am now getting educated and learning I need to heal in so many areas. I also have 3 amazing children still on here on earth that deserved a healed momma and a momma to teach them how to be healed and whole and how to heal from their own trauma that I played a part in, through my own brokenness.

This week was full of healing, breathing, praying, playing in nature and it brought me so much contentment and peace. I felt so relaxed, filled, at peace with my soul. I felt Connor all around me all week, smiling, give me hugs and gentle reminders how much he did loved me, and he was now okay and at peace. I needed this so much. I woke up and didn’t want it to end but got dressed and headed to work. As I drove to work IT hit!! The guilt of feeling content and having a good week full of peace and play. Oh, the guilt, God it can be so crippling.

Forever Momma of 4!