A letter to my Connor when I had to say goodbye.....

My sweet Connor,

When I was 17 and I found out I was going to be a mom, I just knew that you were going to be extraordinary and so handsome. The first time I laid eyes on you I fell in love and knew what my calling on life was going to be, I was called to be a mommy! You always excelled at everything you did, starting from lifting your head to see who was talking so loud in the recovery room at the age of 2 days old! You were sleeping through the night at 8 weeks old, started walking at 9 months old, reading movie titles on your VHS tapes and carrying on a conversation with full sentences at the age of 2 years old. Your big green eyes captured everyone’s heart and there wasn’t a person that didn’t instantly fall in love with your funny, sweet and caring personality.

As we grew up together you became my little buddy and best friend, you were and will always be a momma’s boy. You loved everything and everyone around you, well expect beans you hated beans. I am so sorry I kept making you eat them, thank you for finally throwing them up for me to realize you were not just being dramatic. Yes, sweetie you were a bit dramatic like you momma…well maybe your daddy too. I loved watching you follow your daddy everywhere he went and helping him fix his car, build things for us around the house and help with the puppies we had. It was beautiful to watch you grow up into such a dog lover! From Daisy, Max Jessica, Chloe and Lilo…you loved to always be around dogs and love on them.

As I watched you grow as a little boy, I noticed that you had such an old soul, you would prefer to be with the adults, holding conversations or just being present in our adult conversations rather than playing with children your own age. I also loved that you would rather take our things apart, program our remotes or listen to music and wonder around in the woods than play with regular children’s toys…thanks for saving us money that we didn’t have. You grew up watching us struggle as young parents and never complained about what you didn’t have and what your friends did. You were always so thankful for what you had and when we were able to get something great, you were always SO appreciative. I remember when you finally got your Nintendo DS for Christmas you cried and would not stop hugging me and your dad. You have such grateful heart.

As you came into your teenage years you remained a momma’s boy. As a teenager you liked hanging out with us as a family and loved still going on dinner and movie dates with me, NEVER complaining about it, and sometimes even ask me to go out. You also were able to find your 1st love and as I watched you fall in love with another girl, I saw the same thing. You cared and protected her hard and immediately wanted her to be a part of your family you loved. I just knew watching you with her that you would one day be an amazing provider. That inquisitive newborn lifting his head at 2 days old was still who you were. You questioned a lot, stood up for what you believed and loved. You were a hard worker at your jobs always making money, so you didn’t have to ask me or dad for things you wanted. You were such a good big bother to Kyle, Anna and Alton, driving you them around, picking the up from school and their friend’s house. You always made time to help me from making sure I had air in my tires, helping me hang up signs or bringing me flowers at work because you saw I had a bad day. I always knew you had your momma’s back. There were defiantly hard times with your big and strong personality, but we don’t need to talk about that, we know who your parents are, and I am sure Grandmommy and Grandma can attest to our teenage years and would probably say the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Connor, my sweet boy I have forever lost my best friend and buddy here on earth. I will forever miss our text back and forth and silly meme’s about the struggles with ADD and our current heath journey. I will miss your daily text saying you love me and making sure I am okay. I will miss your amazing hugs, that beautiful smile and your laugh, man your laugh.

Thank you, Connor, for showing me what love truly is and for making me a mommy and always reminding me how much I am loved. I am so very sorry for your struggles in your addiction, and I am sorry mommy couldn’t save you or fix you from that. I am so proud of you, and I wish I would have told you that more. You were a strong fighter and fought so hard for yourself in the end. I know that we got our answered prayers; you found your Lord and savior and surrendered to him, and I thank God for that. You will continue to change to world here on earth and I will make sure of that. I can’t wait to see all the lives you are going to change. God chose me to be the vessel that brought you into the world and now I choose to be your vessel to change the world. 23 years with you was not long enough with your beautiful spirit here on earth, but I know one day in heaven this pain of mine will finally be no more. I will fill this unbearable hole honoring you and your passion until God calls me home with you. I hope to make you proud of me.

I love you forever and always Pookie Bear.

Love,

Momma