My first Birthday without Connor

My birthday came and went. I have been dreading it as I felt like there was nothing to celebrate. I didn’t want to turn 42…..41 is when I still had my baby in my life. I celebrated 22 birthdays with Connor saying or signing happy birthday to me. It is really all I have known. So, turning 42 to me was so daunting and sad. Having others say “Happy” anything to me seemed SO wrong. What is so happy about a mother losing her child WAY to young? What is happy about her beautiful baby boy fighting addiction and what is so happy about a mother losing that child to addiction. NOTHING. To me it was like saying, congratulations on another year of life, in 42 years you have managed to have 4 beautiful children and then lose your oldest to addiction. Go you! That is not a life worth celebrating. I know this sounds very dark and sad, but that is the thing with Grief it is full of sadness and dark times.

As I was about 2 weeks from my birthday, one of my best friends approached me, he confided in me that he was going to purpose to the love of his life and needed me to distract her for the day. July 1st was the day, and it was the kickoff to my birthday weekend. I was so excited for him and honored he chose me to help him. So, naturally I went into planning mode and what I realized is it completely distracted me from my sadness. I was able to focus on this special day for my friends. I asked his bride to be to spend the day with me so I could get my birthday nails done and told her I needed a low-key friend day with her. It turned into this beautiful lady planning a VERY special day for ME at the spa. I was able to relax, unwind and get an amazing message. She really spoiled me that day. We went to her beautiful proposal with all our friends there and It ended with a night out in New Braunfels laughing and dancing and celebrating. Now THIS Was something to celebrate. I enjoyed watching my best friends celebrate something so beautiful, dance and laugh! I even got to see some dance moves from someone I’ve known for 36 years…who know he had moves. It was an amazing night! A distraction from my reality and my sadness.

Saturday, I had to work and, on my way, to work I found out some of my best friends were coming into town to celebrate the weekend with me, however that was going to be. I was so happy; these friends are like my family. They are safe, they are comfortable, and they don’t care how crazy I act, they will always be there for me. After work, I left excited to meet up to grill out and swim. And then IT hit me….from being in a state of happiness of being with my friends, that huge hole appeared in my heart and soul, I started to lose my breath and the tears started streaming. The entire drive I kept telling myself, “Tisha, you can do this later tonight, stop crying” That entire evening I felt out of it, I felt like I was outside my body looking down at everyone. I felt anxious, alone, and after I got home that night from my friend’s house IT hit me again. I can’t do this I can’t turn 42 without Connor and for an hour on my husband’s chest and I cried myself to sleep.

Sunday, I had to be at work again and it was HARD! My eyes were puffed up and I wanted to stay

in bed all day and sleep. My wonderful friends got me up and wanted to meet for breakfast before work, so I got up, got dressed and tried to put on some make up over my puffed-out eyes. These mornings are always so hard! I feel like I am hung over and I have not drunk any alcohol. After work my mom wanted to celebrate me with my husband and kids, so we had a birthday dinner and I received some beautiful gifts.

Monday, my birthday was here and again I wanted to go back to sleep and sleep the entire day. I had a day on the lake planned with friends and my family. I will be honest, I got up because the thought of my kids being sad that I was in bed all day on my birthday, I couldn't bear. So, I got up, got dressed like a little patriotic girl and headed out to the Lake. It was a beautiful day with beautiful friends. On the way back to the boat ramp as the day was ending all I could think about was how much Connor would have enjoyed the day. He LOVED the water and the sun. On our way back in I started daydreaming of him being on the boat with us. He went with us all the time and I could envision him in the front of the boat with his hat backwards and his beautiful curls

blowing in the wind. He would have been super red from a sun burn and a smile on his face as we headed back. I sat there and started talking to him as if he WAS sitting there in the boat. We have so many memories of Connor on The Humphries’ boat over the past 7 years. They really LOVED Connor! So many great memories of both our families on the lake, jumping off the rocks, tubing and wake boarding. This picture was taken by a friend at the EXACT moment I was talking to Connor and holding these memories in my heart.

I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect weekend with my family and friends. They continued to love on me, help me and remind me how they will always be there for me. Even if I am not fun to be around.

Forever Mommaof4!