Friends and Social Media - Brutally Honest

June 28, 2022 – Friends and Social Media

Today an acquaintance or friend of mine posted on FB about grieving a loved one. I had no idea she had this loss. She shares a lot about her life and even has a pod cast, but she has never shared about losing this loved one, It was neat to see another part of who she is. One of the comments she made stopped me in my tracks. She said “I am always timid to share these things because I don’t want to be seen as exploitative.” After looking up the word to double check the meaning…I was like, “oh crap” is that what people think I am doing sharing my journey? I don’t want to be seen as that, but it really helps me process my thoughts and feelings and I NEED the prayers at times when I share.

So, I decided to take a break from posting my thoughts and I am thinking maybe an online blog would be more appropriate. Some where people that I love can go if they choose to see how I am doing. This may be better than in anyone’s face just scrolling through social media.

I LOVE to write; it truly helps me process my thoughts. I have been given many journals since my Connor left this earth, but I have been too afraid to start writing. I am not sure why, maybe because then it is real, or maybe I know I will start crying and God, I am so tried from crying. When I saw that post on social media, I first got offended. Then I got motivated to do what I said I was going to do. Write. Maybe getting out my laptop daily or weekly and getting these thoughts out of my head will be more productive then scrolling mindlessly through social media, getting sad everyone else’s life is moving on. Maybe this will help me look back when I feel hopeless and see I have come further than I thought.

I am in a pretty dark place right now. I am daily tormented with the idea that I need to be here on earth for my 3 children that are still here and wanting to join Connor. How can I be in two places at once? For the first time since December 6, 2021 I wanted to be with Connor. I wanted to hug him, tell him how sorry I am for failing him as his momma. Tell him how proud I am of him for the time he did stay clean and how incredibly brave I think he has been since he was born. I felt the need for my baby boy to be wrapped in his mother’s arms and feel protected and love. How alone he must have felt that night he decided he needed to use. The thoughts that tormented his mind that night make me so sick and sad that I wasn’t there to help him. So, yesterday all I wanted to do or all I kept imagining was being in the afterlife with him, holding my baby.

Knowing these thoughts were not healthy, I quickly sent a group text to some girls that would not judge me and make me snap out of it. I also needed prayers to stop thinking this way. They quickly responded with things like “no, you have to keep going, snap out of it”, “Imagine Kyle’s, Alton’s and Anna’s life without you”, and “Get out of the funk ASAP” It was not gentle or what I wanted to hear, but it was what I NEEDED TO hear. They love me enough to be honest. This wasn’t me, I needed to STOP. I continued the day and could feel the dark cloud lifting a little. Each one of these girls were ready to stop what they were doing and come be with me. I continued my day and worked and by the end of the day I was back to myself, telling them that I farted in front of customers and a co worker and how mortified I was. I wanted to make sure they knew I was okay, this is totally a "Tisha" thing to do.

Do I totally feel like these thoughts are gone, no. But they are a little less loud today. I am so lucky to have these ladies in my life!!

Love, Connor’s momma